So, this is what one of my best buds Doreen heard through the bushes yesterday while she was spreading mulch around their flower beds. The bushes that separate their back yard from their neighbor's are pretty thick, creating quite the wall of privacy for all involved. Well, sometimes the privacy leaves everything to the imagination when accompanied by enthusiastic encouragement such as, "Go ahead, suck it...Suck it, Nick. Yeah, like that. Suck it, Nick! Suck it harder! Get your lips around it and suck it..."
Honestly, this is what she heard, word for word. Dor's mouth was agape...while apparently someone else's was being instructed to take on more of a puckered pursed configuration.
Dor and I are always calling each other about everything. And we thrive on twisted humor (if you hadn't guessed). We're the first to laugh inappropriately at a funeral, or will really really attempt not to laugh when someone falls, seldom succeeding. But we will also be the first to make fun of ourselves. Although, we prefer if someone else goes first. Sometimes we ask for volunteers. And sometimes we just pick people. We really seldom have to do this though, there's just so many people out there providing material all on their own. We've been doing this since 7th grade. She's the one I called, if you remember when I saw Penis Lover drawn on that woman's car while I was in traffic. All of that being said, we're also usually the first to cry when something horrible has befallen on someone...with laughter, that is...cry with laughter (I'M KIDDING!).
So today, Dor and I are talking and this is what she tells me. Not only was the guy saying this and instructing his student in the art of ingurgitation, but he was becoming more zealous in his pronouncements. "SUCK IT, NICK! JUST SUCK IT! GET YOUR LIPS AROUND IT AND SUCK IT! LOOK, YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO GET ANY JUICE OUT OF IT IF YOU DON'T SUCK HARDER!!! There you go...good boy."
Needless to say, Dor was freaking out. She wanted to know just what in the hell was going on over there...and more importantly, would she be able to catch a glimpse. She strategically maneuvered her head into the foliage of the hedge and not caring about possible puncture wounds to her cornea, or scrapes and scratches to her face, or cloaked spiders preparing to pounce into her hair and sew her ears up, she was determined she was going to catch a glimpse of Nick's attention.
Well, she did. And it was the neighbor instructing his grandson on how to properly extract the rest of the melted popsicle from its plastic wrapper. An innocent action fit for Summertime with the vocabulary fit for shooting the film, "Shaving Ryan's Privates" or "Nick's Hot Summertime Popsicle".
We were really laughing hard at this. But the more I thought about it, it kind of made me sick. Kind of like the thought of Michael Jackson naked. Why did Grandpa have to be so enthusiastic about getting a little melted popsicle residue out of the wrapper? Can't Nick just have another one? Or couldn't he just have instructed Nick to tilt the plastic wrapper up into the air while tilting his head back to retrieve the rest? Was it really necessary to keep yelling "Suck it, Nick!" at the poor boy? Is Grandpa maybe a popsicle juice Nazi or something? Or is it just our generation that immediately thinks of something naughty when hearing "Suck it!"?
The word suck always kind of bothered me...I think it's because my Mother hates that word. For instance, "Eat Me!" or "Eat It!" doesn't bother me as much as "Suck it!" There's just something about it that denotes...something gross, a wetness, something moist, which is a word that can make me barf rather quickly. MOIST, yuk...I grimace and can toss my lunch just thinking about that word. For instance, when people say "Uumm...the cake is so moist!" I can barely hold down the vomit. Now had Grandpa been yelling at poor Nick to "SUCK the MOISTNESS!" I would've truly puked. Poor Nick...He was just trying to enjoy a popsicle and Grandpa had to go all super-porn on his ass. I'm feeling a little nauseous.